North vs South

Resident Northerner, Geordie goes head-head with shandy boy Sam Coare, in this heated debate as to who rules the British Isles

By Geordie and Sam Coare

Pro-North

Everything that foreign people hate about ‘the English’, they actually hate about southerners. Think about it – it’s true. Would the people of Ireland have accepted Jack Charlton as manager of their national football team if he’d been a southerner? Not a chance.

But we in the North have historically been as shafted as our Celtic neighbours. (Oh, alright, not quite…) My place of birth, County Durham, was the last part of England to be conquered by William of Normandy, and, as such, is absent from the Domesday book. The area only acquiesced to Norman control with the proviso that the Bishops would have a large degree of control: hence Durham is known as the land of the Prince Bishops.

And in the wars that Southern people started against Scotland, the North of England was (obviously) the front line, its people first called into action, its cities the first to be sacked in retaliation. And it has made us hard. No; not hard: resilient.

And you’d have to be to work in a mine, and to provide, along with the Welsh, the majority of the country’s coal. That the coalfields happened to be in the north is an accident of geography, but can you imagine Boris Johnson, the epitome of all things Southern, grafting in a pit for twelve hours a day? (Yeah, yeah; southerners do all that fancy financial malarkey. It can’t be that hard.)

Or how about two of the greatest football teams of the last thirty years, Liverpool and Manchester United? Music: Sting, Dire Straits, the Beatles, Oasis, the dirty one and the ginger one from Girls Aloud. TV: Byker Grove (infinitely better than Grange bloody Hill), Auf Wiedersehen Pet, The Royle Family. Film: Brassed Off, The Full Monty. Comedy: Reeves and Mortimer, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, Victoria Wood. Food: Black pudding, Yorkshire puddings, Newcastle Brown Ale. These are a few of my favourite things. (Julie Andrews wasn’t Northern. Thank g*d.)

But the best thing about being Northern is Not Being Southern. Not being a member of the most exploitative, snobbish, and downright poncey people in the c(o)untry.

Let’s face it, South: if it came to a war, we’d have you.

Chris White

Northerner

Pro-South

First off, lets just set the record straight. This debate is meaningless. Pointless. Without worth. It’s not because having a good bit of light-hearted chat about the relevant benefits (The South) or disadvantages (The North) of where you live isn’t worth a few pints and a laugh. Because it is. But that’s where it need be left. Commit anything to paper like we are here, and it’s debate over – The Northerners can’t even read it (See: ‘Illiterate’ in Me First Big Pop-Up Book ‘Boot Words, Like)

It’s not that illiteracy, theft, mushy peas and general pikeyness don’t have a place in the world. We need somewhere to put all this (See: ‘Manchester’ in aforementioned book. See: ‘Aforementioned’ in The ‘Ey, Worra He Say?’ Book ‘Boot Big Words). We’re never ten yards from a rat in London because even they’ve given up on the grey skies and even greyer living. It’s a good thing they’re colourblind; we wouldn’t want the poor fuckers dying of shock upon being greeted by something green.

It’s not even that the north doesn’t have its worth. Regular forays to watch Liverpool are full of charm and cheap beer (Ever seen a Bargain Booze darn sarf?), although they’re marred by the pre-match slalom from pub to ground as some scally tries to steal anything off you. It took three months to figure that waving an iPod, sounding your ringtone or flashing a torch scares the poor blighters. Batteries and electricity and all that. (NB For all you reading this out loud for the benefit of your northern housemate, you might want to repeat the bit about rats and ‘green’ for added understanding.)

Even good ol’ Aunty Beeb can’t help but poke the big stick of fun their direction with the ‘It’s Grim Up North’ series. However, if there is one thing they can take solace in (albeit in daylight hours, see: Electricity, Lack Of), it’s the fact they aren’t Scottish.

Sam Coare

Southerner