Quench
In Review: Final Fantasy XII
By Timothy Scriven
The longest running franchise which includes an oxymoron in the title is back, and, unlike The Never-Ending Story II it isn’t shite. You play Vaan, a suntanned and effeminate thief whose elder brother was killed in the assassination of the king of Dalmasca. Vaan soon becomes involved in a plot to restore the rightful heir to the throne and depose the Evil dictatorship, accompanied by a group of people so diverse they would surely hate each other. Graphically its amazing. The monsters and gizmo’s look like a cross between the bits Peter Jackson left out of the Lord of the Rings trilogy because they were just too good and what George Lucas would have used in the Star Wars prequels if they hadn’t been a pile of wank. And, crucially unlike in other recent FF games, the gameplay itself doesn’t disappoint. No just hammering the X button until you win here. The battle system affords the player fluid combat with the emphasis on programming your party members with the right tactics or ‘gambits’ with which to defeat the variety of fiends which inevitably inhabit these far off worlds. Incidentally one must imagine the conservationist movements in Dalmasca to be strong indeed because, if the puniest of these beasties lived anywhere in the U.K, it would be hunted down and killed by a mob armed only with subscriptions to the daily mail. That aside if you like the kind of sprawling RPG’s which cause you to lie to your loved ones in order that you can play them instead of attending the pesky weddings/funerals/bharmitzvas that appeal to ‘the little people’ then get this title.
This Week
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Russell Howard
Russell Howard, recent star of Mock of the Week, is infectious. With a super-elasticised, improvisational mind and massive enthusiasm, his show was superb.
In Review: Urban dictionary
In between spay-painting small horses with swastikas and sniffing glue the youth of today still like to chew the fat from time to time. Unfortunately the cretins have adopted a bizarre type of new-speak which can leave “me-mans” (myself and some of my close friends) “well vexed” (Perplexed, Peeved). That’s where the Urban dictionary comes in. With this peer monitored compendium of British and American slang you can find out what the little twazocks actually said to you before you walked off full of impotent rage and self loathing. Yay. To elaborate. After hearing a rap-tune recently I heard the word “skeet” a term with which I was unfamiliar. Consulting the Urban dictionary I discovered that skeet is a verb that describes, “Bustin’ a nut in a skizzles grill” or, the act of ejaculating onto a woman’s face. Other notable explanations submitted included the rather quaint: “To drop a banana item in Mario Kart 64, thereby causing a trailing opponent to slip on it and skid out” and the colorful “Something I would love to do on the Olsen twins. “The real fun lies in contrasting the Neanderthal with the surely mock-serious entries. Of course some helpful souls point out the real meaning of the word (something to do with clay pigeon shooting) but it is all done very tongue in cheek. A running dialogue on the site led one poster to claim it was a word which White people only heard about from the comedian Dave Chapelle. This in turn led one of his fellows to inform us that it is a completely fictional word invented by black people because they needed something to do in between collecting welfare cheques. As if via osmosis the stupidity seeps into you brain and you can impress the Gs in your hood with your newfound knowledge and/or prejudices lest ye be merced by your in the know peers.
Mark Ronson - Version
Does what it says on the tin
Tunnel Vision
Right, first off, I really hate it when people, namely students, bang on about programmes they used to watch when they were young. The top three offending programmes are as follows: Super Ted. Danger Mouse and the Magic Roundabout.
Re-living the dream
Affable Idiot John Davies gets back to grips with old-school gaming
The World of Books - Australasia
Continuing our look at books from around the world, this week Books goes down under to explore the best of Australasia
Klaxons - Gravity’s Rainbow
Bursting out of the traps like a sprightly ‘Nu Rave’ greyhound is Gravity’s Rainbow. While the band might have since started a cult, popularised glow-sticks and revived indie-dance music, this re-released track is perhaps their finest moment, with thumping drums and a bass line to die for.
How does Scotland sound?
Scotland is a country that has a surprisingly diverse array of musical talent for a country of its size. It generally lacks the powerhouses of Wales, such as your common-garden Manics and Stereophonics, instead birthing bands with smaller but equally passionate fanbases.