Privates on parade

Jason Jones goes undercover to find out the problem with pants

By Jason Jones

*What is the problem with pants? Why do so many men get it so wrong when it comes to their under-kecks even after the Great Calvin Klein Revolution that supposedly overhauled the global male knicker market? *

Are we so stupid that we can’t see – even though it’s an exercise in abject futility – at least we can attempt to become an aspirant Freddie Ljungberg, Klein’s current advertising hooker? And while we’re in the question-positing mood, why do loads of the other words associated with pants also begin with ‘P’? Peacock, parading, poser, padding?

Say the word ‘padding’ and ‘pants’ together in the same sentence in relation to the world of the male undergarment and men would quickly point out with much machismo and bravura they were hung like a particularly well-blessed Derby winner and tell anyone who’d listen they didn’t need any help in the downstairs department thankyouverymuch! Well, if we’re all closet cock-monsters, then how come US brand C-IN2 which uses, not padding exactly, but a ‘unique sling-support system to lift and improve the male silhouette’ was such a hit when it arrived on UK terra firma at the tail-end of last year? The reason being is that we don’t want to let the girls have all the padding action and, let’s face it, a couple of extra inches (as the name suggests; C-IN2, geddit?) doesn’t harm anyone’s side profile, no matter how horse-hung you are. Hello boys, indeed.

Aside from these brief enhancers, this summer there’s a plethora of similarly passion-inducing pouches for privates. First up – so to speak – is the new line from American designer Andrew Buckler, the man behind the cult low-rise Sexy Bastard jeans favoured by man-masterpieces Tommy Lee, Lenny Kravitz and Gael García Bernal. Intended to compliment the jeans, Buckler’s smalls (perhaps not such an appropriate term for men’s lingerie as it is for ladies) are suitably low-slung, allowing for maximum hip-jutting and waistband-revealing. Featuring a cute, riveted pocket on the rear, the range is nothing if not pneumatic, making the most of the masculine form. Also jockeying for cockiest pair, Calvin Klein’s palm-printed pants prove that tropical is topical for spring/summer 2006 and look simultaneously raunchy and retro; all very ‘70s porn star.

Performance is, of course, another area of consideration when perusing pants. The essence of which is captured by the new Essence line from aussieBum, the über-undiemeisters from Down Under. On a sportier note, for the first time an organic substance called Acerole has been micro-encapsulated (whatever that means) within the fabric of the pants. It’s a plant extract rich in Vitamin C which promises to promote vitality and help stop sweaty Bettyness and jock rot. Yeah, right! They do look and feel saucily good, though, and that really is the whole point.

Finally, high-fashion, in the shape of John Galliano, Dolce & Gabbana and D-Squared are perfect for beauty -pageanting the chic pieces. Playful and classic, Galliano’s newsprint briefs and boxers are designed to be put on display poking nonchalantly and sexily over a pair of baggy skater jeans. D&G’s Vacanze Anni vintage-inspired underwear is hotly rakish, snugly cut and madly patterned. And if anyone should know about serving up your schlong to its best advantage it’s the D-Squared duo. Their latest collection is cut short on the pouch, promising an enticingly perky-looking handful and stops your tadger being tossed around like a dingy on a stormy sea.

And if you’re still shoving your man-meat into a pair of Y-fronts that look as if you’ve cleaned the windows with them and smell of rotting camel then it’s high time you got with the pants programme. They may be called smalls but they’re a huge-hung deal, because unless you get a decent pair of pants how are you ever going to get someone to indecently rip them off?