Quench Film go to the Oscars (via MSN)

What do you do when your plans for an OSCAR shindig are scuppered when you discover your host does not actually have Sky Movies in his house? You rely on Film Ry to find a highly illegal downloadable program on the internet that not only allows us to watch the ceremony from the comfort of our own beds, but also now provides us with US cable TV beamed to our laptops…result! Film Ry, his other-half ginger-ninja Sara, TV Ellen and Film Ash combined to watch and provide an alternative commentary to the ceremony in print form over MSN Messenger. This is the outcome of the experiment.

1:56am After a slow start Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly produce a truly legendary OSCAR moment in the form of a show tune about how comedians never get any recognition from the academy – genuinely hysterical!

2:05am Abigail Breslin and Will Smith’s son present the short film awards, TV Ellen thinks that “they make the cutest couple ever“…it’s hard to argue.

2:13am The Hollywood Sound Effects choir squash any doubts of the authenticity of their ‘Honda’ adverts with a rendition of famous movie moments – 45mins in and 2 entertaining moments already…something is not quite right with the Academy Awards.

2:21am Happy film critics all-round; Alan Arkin wins best supporting actor, visibly nervous and close to tears he gives a truly moving acceptance speech. Note for future reference “close to tears”, no actual tears, there’s a subtle but great difference!

3:10am After 50mins of nothing to note apart from Tom Hanks being brilliantly sarcastic backstage, host Ellen DeGeneres, having already pounced on Martin Scorsese and presented him with a screenplay she had written now corners Clint Eastwood. Interrupting him for a photo she asks the guy to his right to take it for her, luckily that was Steven Spielberg, unhappy with his first attempt she asks him to re-take it, very funny stuff!

3:20am Robert Downey Jr. produces arguably the moment of the night when referring to modern special effects as similar to what he experienced in his head on any night during the 90s. Film Ash wonders if Downey Jr. could be any more awesome?

3:30am Film Ry gets very excited; firstly Snakes on a Plane gets a mention in the form of acrobats reproducing the logo in silhouette form, trust us it was incredible, secondly the German director of the best foreign film thanks Arnold Schwarzenegger. Said German film beat Pan’s Labyrinth to said award, cue endless MSN booing in unison.

3:36am Jennifer Hudson wins best supporting actress and within two seconds of being on-stage has thanked God, her mother and started to cry, all cardinal sins. Still with retrospect Film Ash’s cries of “drag her off now!” are a little harsh.

3:44am Film Ash wonders whether Jerry Seinfeld is there to collect a greatest and funniest guy in the world ever award? Alas he is not but is damn funny in presenting the documentary awards with an impromptu short stand-up routine (please prove to be a trial run for the host slot for next year). He delivers such gems as: “I love documentaries, they have a very real feel to them” and announced that “The five incredibly depressing movies nominated are…” We also get a glimpse of Larry David in the audience, Film Ash is now so excited it’s impossible to describe.

3:50am Al Gore collects the award for best feature documentary and begins his acceptance speech “My fellow Americans” – Nice touch!

3:55am For some reason we are tortured with a live performance by Celine Dion, Film Ash think how great it would be if the giant 15 ft Oscar stage prop behind her would fall and crush her.

4:01am Clint Eastwood presents Ennio Morricone with a special award, not as TV Ellen suggests for “the man who looks most like a mole” but actually a lifetime achievement award for his scores. Clint translates his heart-warming acceptance speech into English from Italian. Film Ry’s much better half ginger-ninja Sara with her vast knowledge of the Italian language is adamant Morricone actually says “I fuck Clint’s wife every night, I am deeply offended that you made me listen to Celine fucking Dion; join me in my war against her native Canada!“…We think not!

4:05am Film Ash is amazed that Clint can speak Italian and wonders if there is nothing the great man can’t do…well apart from hold in his piss when he needs to go anymore, well he is getting on!

4:08am We all notice the incredibly short attention spans that Americans must have; we get reminders that “The Academy Awards will be back soon” half-way through every advert break…of 3 minutes.

4:10am The sight of Jack Nicholson with a bald head leads Film Ash to wonder whether he has finally gone mad and smoked his own hair?

4:20am Jennifer Hudson redeems herself with a great performance of songs from Dreamgirls. Belting out the songs in an extremely low cut dress Film Ash battles with himself not to use a cheap “cracking set of lungs” joke…he fails…miserably.

4:45am TV Ellen is close to tears when she discovers, thanks to the ‘dead reel’ that Scotty from Star Trek has died. On a slightly lighter note, during the eulogy Film Ash spots a producer by the name of Red Buttons has also died…how cruel were his parents?

4:50am Ellen DeGeneres cracks another classic by introducing Phillip Seymour Hoffman as “People magazine’s sexiest man to have played Truman Capote.”

4:52am A debate rages over whether you would or wouldn’t, you know, Helen Mirren, Film Ry despite being initially opposed to the idea is easily swayed into a vote of confidence.

5:00am The early hour is taking its toll and Film Ash rashly declares that if Peter O’Toole deservedly wins Best Actor his will attend his next seminar naked. Disappointingly, the award goes to Forest Whitaker; worryingly, Film Ash does not seem all that relieved with the result.

5:02am Reese Witherspoon looks unbelievably hot!

5:08am Greatest Oscar moment ever, Martin Scorsese finally win for Best Direction on his sixth attempt, there might be a God after all. Scorsese begins his acceptance speech by asking his presenter, Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola to check the envelope again, to make sure they got it right. Film Ry cries.

5:19am After 2 hours of red-carpet banter and 4 hours of the actual show Film Ry, now coming down from the elation of Mr Scorsese’s victory has a moment of realization and announces that; “I have to get up for work in an hour!”