The Sound Of Music

There’s nothing funnier than film stars who think they can sing. In Ewen Hosie’s imaginary world, some of these talk to him...

Thunderbox starring Steven Seagal

Hi, I’m Steven Seagal, environmentalist, sex symbol, aikido master, action star, Louisiana police officer and Buddhist. I’m 6’4 1/2” tall, my frame is hewn from cinder blocks and I have a stare that can penetrate lead.

I’m a carer at heart. I break bones gentle. According to the vast sea of subjective knowledge that is my wikipedia entry:

‘Seagal’s relationships fall into three general categories. Seagal is a friend and lover of women, an injurer of men, and a protector of animals.’

I think this just about sums me up in the most effective manner I’ve yet read. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I’m also a damned fine musician.

My blues troupe Thunderbox is a sound the likes of which mortal men have never heard. Much as my films re-invented the lagging cinematic medium with their compelling humanity, verve and fervent arm-snapping carnage, so does my sound, leaping musical boundaries like a praying mantis taking flight following the first feast of the season.

I’ve got two albums out at the moment, Songs from the Crystal Cave and Mojo Priest. They’re classics, in case you didn’t know.

My newest single Alligator Ass is tantamount to our creative genius as a band. When I say our creative genius of course I refer to God and myself, for we are in constant communication, what with my being his agent on this Earth and everything.

30 seconds to mars starring Jared Leto

Fuck me, I’m beautiful. I’m Jared Leto. I played Colin Farrell’s lover in Oliver Stone’s masterpiece Alexander. My chest was waxed and bronzed like the antique fireplaces of yore, you could see my reflection in that thing it was so buffed.

I’m not just beefcake though, I was method skinny in Requiem for a Dream; scag addict see? Jennifer Connelly loved the Leto noise in that one.

Well hard me, you seen Fight Club? I was that guy who gets the absolute leather scrapped out of his face by Ed Norton, so obviously, I’m not vain, because my face looked like pig trotter in that one.

Got a band, call themselves 30 Seconds to Mars. We rock the cock like you wash your socks, soaked to the skin on a supersonic spin cycle.

My brother Shannon is the drummer. He’s an asshole, man. My lame ass hippie parents gave him a girl’s name; he cried to me for 15 fucking years on account of the beatings. I told him to be a man and stop wasting my fucking time, and then I beat the shit out of him too. Hey, after all, I’ve got a reputation to keep. I’m Jared Leto. I am the Beautiful Fuck.

30 Odd Foot of Grunts starring Russell Crowe

I’m drunk with the ghosts of Ollie Reed and Dickie Harris, raisin’ a toast to Richard Burton and then homeward bound. 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. We left a page in Australasian musical history, the band is no longer but our legend will live on. I’m three-time Academy Award nominee, once Academy award winner Russell Crowe.

My aggressive brand of stomach-churning pub rock entertained patrons across New Zealand from 1992 to 2005. I’ve settled down to the farm life now, tending my sheep with the gentle caress that only Crowe knows. One day son, all this could be yours.

The Grunt is dead, long live the Crowe.